Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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