He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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