i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls