Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.