I showed him my bush... on skype.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
