The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
