Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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