K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
