sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
