The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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