it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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