it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We don't watch enough power rangers
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
