She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
