i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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