they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
