tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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