4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I love having hate sex.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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