Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My vagina is officially offended.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
