so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
