OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
