that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
