Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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