So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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