Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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