420 ftw
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
