Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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