We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you would pick up someone in the library
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
