Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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