Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
