Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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