if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Did I show you my penis last night?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
