You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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