we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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