my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
