He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
