This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
