i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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