I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
