Don't make out with my wife yet
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
