I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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