so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You don't make any sense
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