she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
