oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
