You don't have asthma, your pregnant
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
