I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
