sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
