I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
