his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
