So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
