The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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