hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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