The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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