Someone shit on the floor
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
