tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
