it's too hot outside to masturbate.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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