I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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