Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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